Embracing The Pace

I fall into the trap every year like most of us do for the summer.  Starting in January (yes, I know it IS crazy) I begin searching for and registering my girls for camps. I look at family vacations, school specific requirements, sports team requirements or "highly suggested clinics or camps", family events and the mapping of the summer calendar takes shape.  Part of me questions what in the world I am doing, and then the other part of me is so concerned that I am going to miss out on a deadline for the camp or activity that they love or that I think they will love.  Inevitably, we figure it out.  The girls have fun, whatever they end up doing.  Well, maybe with the exception of that math camp- I am certain I will continue to hear the story at Thanksgiving or family get togethers for years and years.  

My point in all of this is that this summer, I didn't have a good plan.  Actually, in comparison to previous years, one might say no plan. My oldest was now working, my youngest starting at a new school so she had orientation.  That didn't align with high school sports in August and us fitting in a family vacation, not to mention that I mixed up the dates for sleep away camp for my daughter with Down syndrome. By the time I realized that, I missed the registration for her regular camp. Then to top it all off, I fractured my knee and I chose to "embrace the pace."

It was uncomfortable to drive for weeks, so I chose to not make plans that required us to go immediately from one thing to the next.  It was difficult to do many every day things without being able to bend, so I chose to have my kids do more.  It was difficult to stand for long periods of time, so I chose to relax at home with my kids and family more often.  I like to say that I chose to slow down, but honestly, it was something I HAD to choose. I simply couldn't move quickly. But by choosing to embrace the pace, I was able to appreciate it and to not only be happy with my new perspective, but to learn from it.  Especially in an area that I work so hard to be in control of- parenting my daughter, Devin, who has Down syndrome.

  • I learned that I need to get out of my comfort zone.  I ended up sending her for a week to a sleep away camp where she didn't know anyone, and she came back with this spark of growth that blew us all away.  I mean, why had I not thought of this before?  People send their kids for weeks at a time to camps WITHOUT their close friends for this exact reason!
  • I learned that I need to do a better job of trusting her belief in herself.  I saw her at a cheer camp watch her teammates learning a dance for an hour.  She didn't stand up once to slowly go through the motions with everyone else and I was ready to pull my hair out.  Then when they added the music and performed, she had the basics of the entire thing.  
  • I learned that I need to be more aware of letting her JUST BE. With the increased down time, I would find her in her room creating folders for "her classroom".  She would set up her desk like an office and create notecards with instructions and checklists.  When I asked about lunch, she would get her cookbook that she made in middle school and choose something she wanted us to make.

Although the summer is not over yet for many, our family has begun the transition into the new school year.  Sports tryouts and practices, college essays and applications are daily topics and events in our home.  By all accounts, this should be an absolutely crazy year for us- three different high schools, three sports teams at these different schools, one senior and everything in between.  Fortunately for me, not only do I know that I can learn from "embracing the pace", but I can also be really happy doing so. 



The R Word, a TedTalk Project

View Maddie's TedTalk Project HERE.  

In honor of the upcoming Race4Respect™, I wanted to share a school project with you about the R word.  Even though the race is in celebration of Down Syndrome Awareness, it is about respecting one's contributions; what he or she has to offer, rather than being treated as someone "less than".  It is about showing individuals with Down syndrome, or any disability, that they deserve the same respect as you and I, the same respect as ANY person.  This is why I was ecstatic when Soeren Palumbo, co-founder of Spread the Word to End the Word Campaign came to DC as our guest speaker for the 2015 Race4Respect™.   My oldest daughter was 14 years old at the time, she was just finishing middle school.  I knew Soeren's words were important for her and her peers to hear and to learn from.  I knew she would take them to heart, but I could never have imagined the seed that had been planted.  

With my daughter's permission, I am sharing her final project from her Power of Persuasion class at school (St. Andrew's Episcopal School).  It is a TedTalk on The R Word.  I was blown away when I heard her speech, and I am still in awe of this young lady who is now only seventeen. Even though I am biased, I am certain her words are important for your kids and their peers to hear.  Please feel free to share with your PTA's, teachers, neighbors or anyone you feel could benefit from truly understanding why the R Word hurts.  Why you should choose any word other than the R Word.  You may also view her TedTalk Project HERE.  

 Maddie and Devin Mitchell, 2018

Maddie and Devin Mitchell, 2018

I’m here to talk to you about the r-word. And for those of you who don’t know what word I am referring to, I’m talking about the word “retard”.

Nobody seems to realize the severity and the pain that those six letters hold… The word is the old language we used to use to label people with intellectual disabilities.

It’s a word I hear in the hallways daily… A word I hear the same kids say, after I repeatedly tell them about the hurt caused by and meaning behind the word. A word I hear kids I’ve never met before say, middle and high schoolers. I see some kids flinch when they hear it being said, but they don’t say anything about it and just let it go.

When I hear the word, I do try and say something. But it feels like when I try and explain why they shouldn’t say it, people just don’t seem to take me seriously… they say it, I explain why they shouldn’t say it, they apologize, but then… they just say it again the next day. This word has become so common in the world today that people don’t realize what they’re saying. It’s no longer seen as a derogatory term, it’s… just seen as a word. A word that’s in the songs we listen to, a word said by the adults we look up to, a word that’s in the books we study from at school. It’s a part of today's culture.

About two years ago I got into an argument with a classmate about the use of the r-word. It was around the time Finding Dory came out, and I was so excited because I had just seen the movie the night before and absolutely loved it. A few people were sitting together in the student center, talking about the movie and whether it was worth seeing or not, and then we started talking about our favorite scenes… eventually we started talking about the scenes with the seals in them. One seal in particular. I remember saying something like, “Aw, he’s so cute,” and then one of my friends said, “He’s so retarded”... I was shocked. I had no idea what to say or how to respond. So I asked, “Why… Why would you use that word of all words?” And he responded with, “Well because he is; because he’s dumb. C’mon, you can’t argue with me on that. Just look at him! He even LOOKS like a retard.” I swear I stopped breathing. The room went DEAD silent. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t speak. ALL I could see was red. All I wanted to do was HIT him or PUSH him to show him how angry I was, how angry hearing that word made me… But I just looked at him for a few seconds, puzzled as to why he would argue that it was reasonable for him to say, and then said, “So my little sister… she’s dumb too? Because, you know, people call her that word.” I don’t remember everything said, but I do remember the anger and shock I was feeling, I remember the look of discomfort on his face when I mentioned my sister, I remember the tears running down my face because I was SO upset that someone felt that it was valid to argue with me that he could say it as long as he didn’t say it to my sister’s face, I remember that he never stopped arguing with me either. He only stopped talking when other people got involved and told him enough was enough.

I feel as though it’s so obvious as to why I get offended. I mean, it’s a rude word. It’s a word used to put someone down, and is a word used to describe my younger sister, Devin.

Devin has Down syndrome, and a medical term doctors used to refer to her as was “mentally retarded”. It WAS a medical term, but it has turned into something much more than that. It was derogatory then, and is still derogatory now. It’s never been okay to say, whether said by a professional doctor, a high school student, or anybody. I hear it in the hallway, I see it on social media, it’s everywhere. And when you say “You’re retarded”, I hear “You’re like Maddie’s sister”.

And I realize I sound preachy and like I’m trying you tell you what you can and can’t do, and I just don’t have that power. I don’t have the right to tell you what you can and can’t do, can and can’t say… You’re allowed to say it. You’re allowed to be degrading and hurtful… And while I don’t have the right to tell you you’re NOT allowed to say the r-word, I DO have the right to encourage you to change your mind and to persuade you to not. I’m allowed to make you recognize that you have the option to not use that word. Because you do. You have the power. You have the power to not only remove it from your vocabulary, but also the power to encourage others to remove it from their vocabulary as well.

There is no positive spin to using the r-word. There is never a time or place where it is acceptable of calling someone the r-word, calling anyone and anything the r-word. It‘s outdated and offensive. Why does it need to even be in our vocabulary? Who is it benefitting? Who NEEDS to be able to say it? The r-word is exclusive. It ignores individuality. It equates people with intellectual disabilities with being dumb or stupid. It spreads hurt. It fosters loneliness. It is incorrect. It is offensive. Make respect the new r-word. Get rid of the old r-word. Stop saying it yourself, speak up when you hear someone else say it, whether it be a friend or someone who’s a complete stranger. Be a part of the movement for advocacy.  

-Maddie Mitchell

The Mirage, by Sarah & Arielle Dorros

In honor of Autism Awareness Month, I thought I’d share some things that a few folks with autism want you to know about their “behavior.” They describe a disconnect between their body’s actions, and their mind’s intent. Imagine wanting to shake someone’s hand, but you can’t feel your arm, so it just hangs at your side. You will yourself, without success, to orient toward the person in front of you. You open your mouth to say, “I’m so glad to see you,” but instead, what comes out is, “I want french fries!”  People interpret your body language as a lack of interest. They might think you are more interested in food than in socializing. This could not be farther from the truth, and these neurological short circuits are behind so much misunderstanding, frustration and loneliness for some on the spectrum.

The mistake others can sometimes make is thinking that the things that bother my senses also cause me to not want to participate. … true belonging is what I want most. My senses are overactive and my body is underactive in listening to me. But I want to participate in everything, even if it doesn't look that way at first.” - Grant Blasko

Apparently it is okay to drill normalcy into someone, but it is denial to believe that a normal boy lives trapped behind a wildly uncooperative body. These theories cost us dearly.” ― Ido Kedar

Because of autism, the thief of politeness and friendship, I have no sounding voice. By typing words, I can … stretch from my world to yours. I become a real person when my words try to reach out to you without my weird body scaring you away. Then I am alive.” — Sarah Stup

“Showing kindness towards those who are different and embracing our imperfections as proof of our humanness is the remedy for fear.”Emma Zurcher-Long

So, what do autism, movement disorder and neurodiversity have to do with Devenio? Practicing mindful/coordinated movement in a group can create new functional motor pathways in the brain that lead to better regulation, coordination and connection. Yet, when my teenage daughter, who has autism, was invited to join Devenio in Motion, my initial response was “oh, she can’t follow choreography in a group.” I missed the point completely. As I reflect on the years and money we’ve invested in behavioral therapies and related services, I can say with confidence that Devenio in Motion is one of the most valuable activities in which our daughter has participated. It is a safe space that cultivates enjoyment, confidence and a sense of belonging. Devenio creates communities, and for Sarah, being part of this group allows her to appreciate her own unique “humanness.” She feels valued, whether her jazz hands are in sync or not. With a fight-or-flight mechanism that is always in overdrive, Sarah is frequently unavailable to connect, learn and do the things she so desperately wants to do. Her observations expressed below, before participating in Devenio and after, illustrate that this judgement-free zone is the only type of environment in which she can see what she is capable of achieving.

Mirage – a poem by Sarah Dorros,  2016  (before Devenio)
A ghost of a person.
A soul trapped within an unusable shell.
A robot programmed with glitches. 
People look but see only this mirage.
They cannot see me. 

I am more than I appear to be.
I have thoughts, feelings, dreams.
I am trying to express them,
but they glitch as my stress rises. 
I need to be seen to emerge. 

 Why Devenio is Important to Me – Sarah Dorros, 2018
Following along in a group is often hard for me, [especially when] so much time is spent in other classes where my slower, disorganized movements stand out. Devenio dance is helping me gain the confidence to do more things that are new. It’s good for my health…and it is definitely easier for me to relax my body around Devenio classmates, whose bodies are in disarray too!     I can just be me - no judgements… and that makes me certain I’m with the right group.”

[IPA: /deːˈwe.ni.oː/]
to reach (a destination); arrive (at)…
·      a place where I can be me
·      a place where I can relax my tense body and learn how to move
·      a place where I belong

Happy Autism Awareness Month!
Arielle & Sarah 

From our board, Michael Stanisich

Though I sought to be a part of Devenio once I learned of its mission and had the opportunity to meet with Gena, what drew me to the organization has roots to my interactions with a single individual decades prior.   

Sean was the son of my mother’s colleague who we’d visit regularly (my mother was a public school elementary teacher for 30+ years). The parents would play bridge while Sean and I would hang out and play. We’d explore puzzles, build forts, and joke around together. No different and not distinct than any of my other friends. Sean was born with Down syndrome. Though we grew apart as the years passed, my friendship with Sean left an indelible mark that has remained with me to this day.

Thanks to my mother, I was taught to treat people with Down syndrome and other disabilities (physical or cognitive) are no different than anyone else with whom I engage. I’d like to think that it’s served me well and taught me valuable lessons related to respecting people who possess unique qualities, regardless of mental or physical capacities.

It is this same belief that is reflected in everything that Devenio aims to achieve on behalf of our beneficiary population. To recognize someone as being “special” is not necessarily a bad thing on the surface though I believe it to be insufficient. Every person possesses value beyond transactional relationships and it is up to each of us to recognize and acknowledge that value in ourselves and in others.

Herein lies the challenge. Building unique opportunities for specific groups of people with the intention of nurturing the opportunity into an afterthought.

I play soccer and have done so since I could stand upright. Youth league for boys, men’s leagues for adults (20s, over 30, over 40), and co-ed adults (also broken down by age group). No one considers any of these people who play in these leagues, “special,” and the majority do not give a second thought to their structure. These leagues were established to fill a need within the community, plain and simple.

Ironically, this is what success looks like for Devenio’s Fun Bunch Program as well as for our other initiatives.

Though we as a community should collectively celebrate every instance a barrier has been broken, to do so for an extended duration suggests that acceptance of the values that others contribute to our community has not been fully recognized.

I believe that we are on the path to achieve these objectives and also why I am proud to play a small part in Devenio’s mission.  

New Year, New Resolution

As with years past, we all start the new year off with new resolutions.  Wash, rinse, repeat each year.  So, in keeping with the tradition, we at Devenio would like to share our resolutions with you.  However, unlike the many resolutions made, ours are TO YOU, our community.   

In 2018, Devenio's New Year Resolution is to be the leader in facilitating programs that offer lifelong activities for individuals with disabilities with community partners to empower our participants.  Sounds good, right?  I agree, and the first step to putting this resolution into action is building infrastructure, which we have done.  Devenio is a young organization, and we are reliant on volunteers to keep the wheels turning.  For the past three years everything Devenio has accomplished has been driven by the need in our community, it has been organic.  Now, in 2018, we will build on that need to best serve our participants and our community.

Stepping into the new year, I am ecstatic about the strong team of board members and key volunteers that we have recruited to assist in the guidance and governance of the organization.  I hope that you will join me in welcoming these individuals and I look forward to a great year ahead!

Board of Directors:
Cassie Li- President of the Board
Dania Smalletz- Vice President
Madeleine Willner- Secretary
Juliana Mitrojorgji- Treasurer
Michael Stanisich
Divya Ghadra
Shannan Winkler
Krista Nunez
Darren Ruch
Molly Crismond
Gena Mitchell, ED & Founder

Assistant Race Directors:
Leslie Morrell
Michelle Tetschner

Program Directors:
Christine Fleming, Devenio in Motion
Erika McTish, Fun Bunch Soccer

Brieanna Ioyamhan, Communications Intern
Aya Sallam, Finance Admin


Thanks, but it's really NOT fine.

In light of the holiday season and a new year right around the corner, I thought the best gift I could share with everyone is the gift of giving it to you straight.  So without the hoopla of ribbon, tissue paper, gift wrap or tape... here it is.  Just because you do not want to upset my daughter, you're afraid of her reaction, you don't think it's a big deal, you're accommodating her or you are simply just being kind- it's NOT okay to let her do whatever she wants, even if she is being "compliant" and sweet.  She cannot be in her sister's team picture after a big win, she can't always be first, she can't always get a cupcake, she can't always butt in line, and so on and so on.  Here's the thing, you might think I am a strict or harsh and you could never imagine saying "no" to her cute little face; but if you were in my shoes you would, and you would ask others to do the same.  

Before I explain, let me be clear about what I am saying.  I know she has a developmental disability.  I know she doesn't always understand a situation or know how to respond or react "appropriately".  She is unfiltered and will share her honest emotion or reaction and quite frankly I think that's a trait we could all learn from.  That said, if I always let her do what she wants because she doesn't understand what the norm is, how will she ever know what is appropriate or how will she learn that sometimes you get what you get and you don't get upset? 

They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit.  Guess what?  That's old news.  There are now studies that say it takes approximately 66 days (2 months!!) before a behavior or habit becomes voluntary.  Studies also say that it can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days to form a habit depending on the personality, behavior and circumstances.   Now, imagine teaching someone who has a cognitive delay and already takes longer to learn most everything, the WRONG habit.  How long do you think THAT takes to change? I can assure you that depending on the habit and the environment, we are not talking days.  It could be weeks, months or even years. 

All of our children are learning how to navigate their day, their relationships, their jobs and the expectations that are associated with each situation and environment.  Some situations overlap and the typical child and adult will generalize.  My daughter doesn't always make the connection.  So when I let her interrupt you and I when we are speaking, guess what she is going to do in class or at her job?  When we let her be in every team picture of her sister's because she doesn't have her own, guess what she is going to expect when her sister's team become more competitive and it's a championship game?  When her teacher always lets her butt in line because she wants to be next to a particular person and it's cute that she has a buddy, guess what happens when she gets older and it's not so cute to her teenage or adult peers?  The answer is that you have unintentionally set low expectations not only FOR HER, but also for what others have OF HER. 

As my daughter gets older, her typical peers need to feel empowered to have expectations for her.  They need to tell her that she has to wait for her turn, that she needs to slow down because they can't understand what she said, that it's not time to make silly noises or jokes.  They need to do this because SHE WILL LISTEN TO THEM!  As clear as it is that she has a cognitive delay when learning things, it's just as clear that my daughter knows to watch her peers and model what they do or say. 

All kids needs boundaries to feel safe and take risks.  That's why we institute curfews and homework time and tv time, etc. for all of our kids  My daughter, or anyone with a cognitive or developmental disability, is no different.  Boundaries enable her to feel confident to engage when she already feels different.  Boundaries enable her to recognize a modeled behavior or action and use it when she is not certain what to do.  Boundaries enable your relationship to be mutual, and if you like her now, imagine how awesome it would be if you could really connect? 

I am not saying you should never cut her some slack.  She does need more help, guidance and often more supervision than her peers.  Sometimes she has a bad day and it's about the war and not that particular battle.  However, that doesn't mean she gets a hall pass for everything; because if I did that, she wouldn't be prepared for the real world, her peers and others wouldn't have expectations of her and I would not have done my job.  So next time we are talking, and my daughter interrupts, she takes your seat or  jumps in a picture, etc., please don't say "it's fine".  Call her out.  It doesn't have to be a reprimand or harsh and it can be with a smile or in a fun tone; but tell her that you want to hear what she has to say in a minute after we finish our sentence, or that she took your seat and she can have it this one time, or that she can be in one picture and then it's just the players for the rest.  I promise she will appreciate it, and don't be surprised if she engages with you more afterwards because you will have just given her the most valuable gift you have.  Your respect. 

Have a safe and happy holiday season!!  






It's not about you, but it is.

A volunteer is defined as, "someone who freely offers to do something.  A person who freely offers to take part in an enterprise or undertake a task."  Volunteering is something we all encourage our children to do, and often lead by example.  We tell them that it is important to give back.  That they have a voice to create change and should seek opportunities to give back that are connected to their likes and passions.  I love it when this happens, when it is a clear match and you can see the positivity radiating off everyone involved.  Then there is the other side of volunteerism, the one that is "required".   Of course you WANT to volunteer, but everyone is busy: college applications, AP courses, sports teams, work, and everything in between.  It can be really hard to make time with the demands on your life and expectations.  When that happens, volunteering can become just a check of the box.  That's reality.  I mean let's be honest, volunteering is a REQUIREMENT FOR GRADUATION.    

I get it, I hear ya, we only have a certain amount of time in a day.  When it gets insanely busy, we even ask ourselves WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?  Plus, depending on where or how you volunteer, you may not get a chance to feel your impact in a significant way.  In my opinion, this is the missing piece in the definition of a volunteer, because you're not supposed to talk about it.  We are supposed to give without expecting anything in return.  Yes, this is true.  But make no mistake about it, YOU WILL RECEIVE, and I promise it will have an even larger impact because you weren't expecting it, and it will become a part of you.  

So, for those of you who need us to send up a flare to get your attention, I want to share these two stories that have me feeling THANKFUL for our volunteers who make what we do possible for our players, dancers and participants. 

  • First was an email from a participant in our dance program.  She has Autism and asks repetitive questions.  I don't think any of us get the opportunity to really get to know her as much as we would like, because she is sharp as a whip with all of the questions one after another that she is going to send your way.  A few weeks ago, I opened my email to find this message from her and I wanted to shout from the rooftops with happiness. "Hi Gena.  I really like Devenio Dance. I like it because I like doing my dance moves.  It is hard for me but it feels good to be with friends and to learn how to move my body.  Thank you for making it possible." 
  • Second was a message I received recently from someone who found us for a project, and volunteered her time with our soccer program.  She has since graduated and moved across the country.  She never studied anything related to disabilities, but her new position is with an organization promoting inclusion, resilience and ability.  I couldn't think of a better message to wake up to than the one she sent me: "Thanks for inspiring me with Devenio and Fun Bunch.  I wouldn't have been so passionate about this prospective position had I not worked with you and Devenio."

Volunteering really IS about freely offering to do something for others, but it is also about you.  Because YOU will make wonderful things happen for others, YOU are having an impact on their life.   And this SHOULD make YOU feel fantastic.  

Thank you to all of Devenio's volunteers both this year and in past!   It is with your time, energy and effort that we are able to continue to build this wonderfully, inspired community!


Inclusion: From architect to spectator

My daughter Devin has Down syndrome and has been in an inclusive classroom since kindergarten. We have had the good fortune of living in a neighborhood where our elementary school already had the services she needed, a very welcoming and open-minded community and for the most part, pretty wonderful teachers (some were ‘eh, not so much,’ but I had that experience with all of my girls, as I am sure you’ve had with your kids as well). As I think back, I suppose you could describe me as the protector and architect of inclusion for Devin--I volunteered at the school with my oldest to get the lay of the land before Devin began, then I worked with her IEP team on challenging and appropriate goals when she was a student. We had big birthday parties with lots of kids--I got to know their names so we could talk to Devin about them; learning who she liked, who liked her. I took her to private speech therapy sometimes twice a week so she could better communicate with her peers and other adults. We opened our home to every playdate any of my three girls could ask for, and even some they didn’t want. The plan was for all of the kids to get to know Devin, maybe like her and think she was fun, so that one day they’d look out for her too.

Now that Devin is in high school, I’ve had a new introduction to inclusion. One I no longer celebrate or seek for warm fuzzies or validation. Instead I watch with curiosity and emotion, sometimes with wonder and sometimes great difficulty. Oddly enough, it all feels good, because I know it is what Devin wants--arranged by her, not me. I am no longer by her side, but waiting on the periphery as her safety net. When I see her in an uncomfortable situation, and even if she makes eye contact or I motion for her to come over to me, she stays where she is; in the mix with her typical peers. It is a difficult thing to watch, sometimes with a heavy heart and so much pride all at once. I am in awe of her awareness of what she wants and her courage to go after it.  

Some may say, “So what, we all get uncomfortable and have to get through it. Big deal, it’s part of life.” That is true, but here’s the thing, Devin knows she can’t do everything that others can.  She knows because she waits while her peers are doing something harder than her skill level allows. She knows that while they are chatting back and forth easily with these new friends, she is often not certain how to engage when they do talk to her. But most important, she knows she wants to be there. So she sticks it out and learns more every day. She doesn’t take my cue to come and sit with me. She doesn’t give in to flight and leave the room. She doesn’t get angry. Instead, she waits. She waits for the interaction that she is comfortable responding to. She waits for her turn. She waits for the next challenge that lies ahead and continues to go after what she wants.  

Today, she went off to her first day in a large school with the hallways full of kids who are getting taller and taller, and she (inching towards 5 feet) eagerly sought eye contact with a friend, an acquaintance, a teacher, anyone. It was hard for me to stand in the corner, next to the wall, as inconspicuously as possible while she tried to include herself. Some kids stopped to say hello, some smiled at her, but most didn’t even notice her. She was unphased, because she was still looking. My heart was in my throat, and then I realized, those kids, the ones that didn’t notice her, they were also seeking eye contact with their friends, their acquaintances. The fact that they didn’t notice her was something I began to embrace. It meant  that she really is just another freshman in the packed main entrance on the first day of high school, figuring it out just like the other 1500+ students that were swimming the halls, not sure where to go, and not caring. Because the first day isn’t about class or schedules, it’s about seeing your friends. As my heart began to ease, although still racing because come on-it’s still the first day of HIGH SCHOOL- I made sure she made contact with her paraeducator- walked back to the car and silently said,  “We did it.  She is included.”

The hardest part of inclusion is becoming a spectator, and not the architect. Because in my opinion, if done correctly, inclusion is seamless. No fireworks, no shining lights; just lessons learned each and every day for everyone, including me. Exactly as designed, by Devin. I think she is going to have a great year. I am also realistic; I know she is going to have highs and lows, just like her sisters, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Have a great school year, everyone!

Social Skills & Self Confidence for Kids With Special Needs

This past week, I came across a question on a list serv regarding social skills and her child with special needs who has limited speech but is very social. I think this is something at one time or another we all struggle with, so with her permission, I am sharing a beautiful response from a parent that I know.  It is a bit longer than what I would normally post, but I simply could not cut anything out.  Thank you Jennifer Duran, for allowing us to share your words of wisdom- they are powerful on many levels. 

Question posted:  "What else can I do to 'improve' her social skills while keeping her self esteem and self confidence intact?"

It is a work in progress but what we've worked on is letting our daughter be who she is, and oftentimes it's the rest of the world that has to adjust a little to work her in to their expectations.  We believe this is okay - everyone deserves a little adjustment.  As parents we often think very little of adjusting for the behaviors of typically-developing kids; kids with bad manners because they're a little spoiled or overly-entitled; kids who don't have diagnoses but just come from poor parenting. In fact I think kids like ours are great 'medicine' for these affected typically-developing kids who have not yet developed empathy.  The results may surprise you.

Our daughter is 11 - she does have pretty solid speech but she's very social and a hugger, hanger-on too, sometimes in inappropriate settings. I used to really freak out about this (and still do in certain circumstances - mostly when she's reaching out to total strangers) but I've also learned that this social aspect is just part of her gift; who she is.  So there are a few things I've learned in parenting classes that have helped me -

1)  I try to praise the 'correct' behavior more than point out the incorrect.  For instance, if we're passing a group of 'interesting' boys somewhere and she just gives them 'high fives' as she passes by instead of hanging on them I point out that she did a great job of appropriate contact.  It seems to make her feel good about herself - she's fulfilling her need to reach out to people but in a way that was positively rewarded by me and she received the interaction with the group as well, which is what she wanted.

2)  When something on the edge of inappropriate happens I give it a minute to see what the other person will do - will they hold their boundaries and handle it gracefully?  Will she take the cues from the other person and back off?  Frequently, when I give this minute to my daughter and the other person, it ends pretty uneventfully.  And then I have a chance to praise her for backing off when the other person asked her to.  I call this a success because she learns more from someone else's feedback than from mine.   Of course there are times when I have to intervene, but in many cases she and the other person figure out how to handle it.  This is also great in situations where we'll see the same people time after time.  If folks develop ways to communicate directly with her it becomes a non-issue really quickly.  If they are always relying on me to do it for them, then she is not getting any independence and it's more likely to become a 'thing.'  It also means the other person is not learning any new skills or tolerance.  My daughter is a pioneer in many circumstances in her life (school, swim team, our fitness center) and I truly believe she's there to teach people - 'Yes, you can talk directly to me.  I'm worth knowing and I'm worth the little bit of work it takes to 'get' me.'  I'm so pleasantly shocked at kids (and some adults) I've known for several years now who would avoid her when they first met her or roll their eyes at her different behavior.  They are often her biggest fans now because they've gotten to know her on personal terms - I am often unwilling to just 'handle' my daughter for people if she's not doing anything wrong and just making people uncomfortable.  I am happy to let the discomfort hang as a way to force people to confront it and deal with it.  If it's 'handled' for them they will never be challenged to take this step.  It has taken me years to learn this - that my kid is not an inconvenience to others; she's worthy.  It's not my job to push her out of someone else's path of discomfort.

3) When something is an issue we talk about empowerment.  For instance, she occasionally has an issue with impulse control.  She'll touch or do something she knows is forbidden before she can stop herself.  When she's overly stressed or tired of course, this is more likely to happen - in all of 3rd and 4th grades we had just two incidents of this.  In 5th grade so far this year we've already had 2 incidents - but 5th grade is really challenging and she's tired at the end of the day, which is always when something happens.   One strategy that we employ when she is telling us 'I won't do that again' is to ask her 'What can you do next time instead?'  For instance, if she's grabbing a friend because she wants to talk to them, what else could she do to get their attention that would be okay?    Putting the power in her hands, and challenging her to think about it and come up with an answer herself makes it more likely that she'll remember when the time comes to put her plan into action.  It's her solution!

It's interesting.  I was recently thinking about the line 'failure is not an option.'  You see I work in technology and so this question of failure versus safety is at the forefront of many debates at work.  While the context is a bit different than what was mentioned as “failure not being an option in this piece of parenting”, I'm opining for a minute because it's been on my heart- actually I think failure IS an option.  I think it's an important option because it leads us to take risks that we otherwise wouldn't, which is the only way to get to new innovations and push through boundaries that once looked like impassable barriers.  And as a person who has failed personally and professionally many, many times in life, I believe that failure, even for our kids, is fine. I often tell her teachers and coaches that she thrives on failure - as in, she'll handle her inability to do something much better than quietly observing that she never even got the chance to try - and not feeling entitled to ask why not.  I see this play out time and time again - her self-awareness grows and while there are moments of frustration and pure heartbreak, they are buffered with the sense of accomplishment in just being able to try and see how far she can get.  Not all the 'typical' kids are successful all the time either - and she notices that too. We seem to feel obligated make room for those kids' failures; I believe the world can make room for our kids too :>).  Thankfully when challenged, most of the world responds beautifully! 

Fun Bunch Coaching Strategies Win Every Day

In keeping with the spirit of back-to-school and fresh starts, I want to share a few coaching tips from our Fun Bunch training session.  Fun Bunch provides ongoing guidance for teaching and encouraging our special needs players, a key differentiator in what makes Fun Bunch great!

Two weeks ago, we held a mini Fun Bunch session to introduce some of our newest PPA coaches and volunteers to what a Fun Bunch session is like. Our mini session was designed to prepare them for what to expect from our players and also what we expect from them. 

Here are a few highlights from our training that I think are useful for everyone who works with kids with disabilities: 

1.  Give only meaningful praise. This is a team, not the Suzie or Tommy show.  Use praise and high fives to encourage a player individually and to promote teamwork and sportsmanship.  These players are savvy to what is genuine praise. 

2.  Assume a player can before you assume they cannot.  I watched a buddy tie a player’s shoe. Then I watched him turn red later as he observed that same player assist a teammate by tying her shoe. Don’t underestimate.

3. Expect success, but don’t require perfection.  Take the cue from your player as to how much or how little support they need.  Yes, we are teaching these kids to play soccer; yes, we want them to know the rules and play by them.  That said, this is not a sprint, it is a marathon.  I can name ten players who used to run around the field more than they participated for a few seasons, who are now leading the drills and coaxing teammates to come back to a station!

4.  Don't take it personally.  Sometimes, a player is going to behave in a way or say something that is not what you would expect.  They might not stay with the group and complete the station.  It’s okay.  It does not reflect on you as a helper.  All soccer players have drills they like, and drills they don't. This is not specific to Fun Bunch or kids with disabilities.  Our players often communicate by walking away, and have a pure honesty about what they think, say or do.  

5.  Communicate clearly.  Many of our players are visual learners so they need to see what you are describing. Repeat instructions with your words and your body. (Not necessarily at the same time. )  And make your instructions positive. “Don't kick it too hard” is not as clear as “Kick it gently, like this . . .”  When in doubt choose a directive that tells the player what to do, not what not to do. 

This is not a comprehensive list, but points I believe are important when working with kids with disabilities.  If you give that young person a chance by acknowledging what they have to say and accepting what they bring to the experience, you will learn to make great choices.


Race4Respect™, the experience IS for everyone

It might surprise you to know that there has never been a race or walk dedicated to Down syndrome in the nation's capital until the first Race4Respect™ in 2014, just two years ago (2014).  In Washington D.C., people lace up and log miles in support of all kinds of interests. Perhaps an event like R4R has taken time to appear because its purpose is different. Most runs for a cause raise awareness and money in hopes of finding a cure, or to eradicate something. So what’s different? R4R isn’t seeking to cure or eradicate any part of the people it seeks to support.    

This may sound shocking, but as a parent of a child with Down syndrome, I fear the day there is a so-called "cure for Down syndrome”.  I love my daughter, just as she is.  I would not change her— ever— but I would certainly do something for her, or give her something to improve her life.  Ultimately, I would give her a better world.

The Race4Respect™ is an event that was created with this in mind.  The one thing that we want to give all of our children is opportunity.  For the past three years of R4R, the opportunity provided on Pennsylvania Avenue has been the experience of an event with someone with Down syndrome.  By giving that opportunity to those without Down syndrome, we are in fact giving opportunity to all individuals with Down syndrome.  

They say it takes seven (7) seconds to make a strong first impression.  Now, let's say you happen to see me at the mall and you meet my daughter in passing.  If it takes her longer than the seven seconds to respond to you (which it will), it is very likely that you will assume she doesn't understand.  You would be wrong—her slow reaction time is due to cognitive delay typical of people with Down syndrome— but how would you know?  You couldn't.  Unless you’d had some experience interacting with a person with Down syndrome. 

The opportunity to experience the Race4Respect™ allows the idea of possibility and ability to take hold: the possibility for what someone with Down syndrome is able to do. Just watching the interactions between people with Down syndrome and their families, classmates and teammates, and with friends who have and who do not have Down syndrome, is what captures the interest and enriches the understanding of those who attend R4R.  

I have been told by countless people, our event manager included, that the positive energy at the R4R is like two events combined.  I have no doubt that those who participate in the Race4Respect™ leave with a little something extra.  They will be more inclined to give someone with a disability a chance. A chance to respond, a chance to be able, and a chance to shine.   

The beginning.....

The mission for devenio, inc. is at the core of my heart- collaboration.  I have been on a journey with my daughter, who happens to have Down syndrome, for the past twelve years.  It has been wonderful, exhausting and eye opening.  When you have a child with a disability you are initiated into a group of people who embrace you, take care of you and most importantly accept you sight unseen.  It can all start with a phone call or an email- "WELCOME, what do you need?".  There is nothing more powerful than that acceptance in a time when all is uncertain, and you question so many things about yourself and your life.  As I think back on what has made my journey so powerful, it is the connections and collaboration of people surrounding me.  It has been the key to successful milestones for me as a parent, both personally and also as a tool to support my children and family.  

Collaboration does not need to happen in a conference room or an office.  It happens on the playground, in our living rooms and kitchens, at community events and coffee shops.  When two or more people get together with a common goal in mind to accomplish, they collaborate.  I have found that this has been the most productive and positive way to engage with my friends, colleagues and associates to figure something out.  "How can I get my daughter to use her fork?, How can I get my daughter to enunciate more effectively?, How can I get the school system to modify her classwork? , What is the best way to teach her classmates about her disability?, What programs are available for her after high school?, How can I teach my daughter online safety?  How do I know what we need for a trust for her?".  The list goes on and on, and out of these collaborative conversations come best practices and information that we then share with our other friends, new parents or teachers and/or colleagues.

Devenio, inc. was born of this philosophy.  No one group in the disabilities community can be EVERYTHING to EVERYONE.  That is why many specialize their mission to a key area- advocacy, education, research, etc. yet there are so many gaps that can be filled if we were to work together.  I spent the last seven years as the president of a Down syndrome group and I met so many wonderful people from other organizations (not all in the disabilities community) that had so many fantastic ideas- but resources were always scarce to our group or theirs and it was limiting in what we could do. Devenio, inc. provides the vehicle to accomplish these bigger and needed ideas/programs/events that require one organization to drive the event, program or initiative on behalf of or with multiple groups.   Devenio, inc. launched it's first collaborative effort in 2014 with eight Down syndrome groups to create a race for awareness in Washington, DC and is looking forward to many, many more initiatives with groups from all disability groups to bring our communities together.  www.race4respect.com to register.